Idly Dharm khatre mein hai - the religion of Idly is under threat.
The 5000-year old civilisational culture of the Idly is under frontal attack from Western Missionaries who want to Balkanize the Idly-land. Not just from within India, attacks are being foisted from Italy and France, sponsored by the Church and multi-national evil corporate who seek to appropriate the fluffy, soft and light white wonder – and make ours a cultureless, godless land of the Satan.
The earliest known mention of Idly in ancient texts is in the Vedas. No, seriously.
One of the hymns in the Vedas (read here) reads,
“O Indra, let us not, like fools who waste their lives at home, with friendship such as thine, Sit Idly by the poured-out juice.”
Later, ‘Iddalige’ is first mentioned in a Kannada work in 920 AD, Sanskrit work Manasollasa of 1130 AD has ‘iddarika’, but the Tamils had the last word, mentioning ‘itali’ in the 17th century. But, sorry Dravidian folks, the Vedas called the dibs on this.
In the modern era, the idly has been kind to us. It is comfort food, breakfast food, tiffin food and, like Amma would have it, one-rupee food. Today, we have Idly makers even on board the INS Vikramaditya. We are idly, Idly is us.
Tamil Nadu has the Kanchipuram idli. Kerala has the Ramassery idly and the coconut based Vattayappam and even toddy is mixed into Mangalore's Sanna. In short, the idly can wear a mundu, a Kanchipuram silk saree and even…drink.
But when you take something malleable like that and decide to experiment, the idly purists will come for you. That was the birth of the Idly nationalism.
Here we chart out to you FIVE threats to Idly. These have to be sent back to Pakistan – or wherever they came from. If these terrorists have supporters in JNU, slam them with sedition cases. Ban them.
Threat Number 1: Triangle and Square Idly Plates
Prestige, thank you for the wet grinder. By the turn of a switch, it has changed lives in many restaurants and homes that would earlier have people toiling at night preparing the all-important mixture. But, this?
Triangular and square idly plates? Are children who don’t like their idlys supposed to find it appetizing if you make them in different shapes? No Prestige, square pegs in a round hole will never fit. And you are messing with the core of what the Idly means to us, and that’s offensive. The circle is Indian – Aryabhatta’s zero, the symbol of the Mandala, the Ashoka chakra! If you mess with the shape, you’re messing with national symbols.
Threat Number 2: The Choco Idly cake
This one is an identity crisis in a box that also comes eggless. You can make it in a cooker, which makes us wonder if this is really a cake that wants to be an idly.
Whoever came up with the concoction must have really wanted to spite us, all the way in. Not only have you changed the colour, but the taste and very IDEA of Idly. And chocolate? Our children need Chawanaprash, not more chocolate.
Threat Number 3: Idly Fries
This is an item off the Sagar Ratna menu, a chain of so-called South Indian restaurants popular in New Delhi. The fluffiness is done away with, and so is the shape, but it’s fried in chilli powder.
Picture courtesy: Twitter
Are you trying to be cool for the idly haters now? This is the kind of traitors from the South who are betraying the Idly cause. What kind of self-loathing is it, that you have French-fried the Idly?
Threat Number 4: Idly Pasta
All nationalisms have to have a Gujarat angle these days, and here is it is. Gujarat, we're okay with the Idly Dhokla, if that was your idea. But his monstrosity on a local channel? Idly Pesto Italiano Pasta? And of all European nations, you only found SONIA GANDHI’s country? DISGUSTING.
Picyure Courtesy: TV9 Gujarati
Threat Number 5: Idly burgers
Now, the effects of western whitewashing are truly showing, thanks to our fast food obsession. While everyone’s gaga over the great Prime Minister's Make in India, why is our own indigenous creation taking two steps backward and giving in to Western concepts? Lord knows what this could lead to, an Idly whopper? An idly-fied Happy Meal, now that we even have fries?!
Picture courtesy: polkadot.com
Don’t make idly do the things bread very well can. This is not our culture.
So as Idly Nationalists, what do we do? What should be our Bhramasthra against these attacks on the Idly Nation? We need to go back to the Mahabharata and take some lessons. Watch this video tutorial.
The Ramassery idly from Kerala was incorrectly mentioned as being from Tamil Nadu. The error has been corrected.