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What happens when someone puts words to emotions you are struggling to explain? For many out there, actor Anupama Parameswaran is lending vocabulary to the personal distress they may have experienced for years without knowing how to make sense of it.
The actor recently opened up about healing from a taxing relationship, saying that she went through narcissistic abuse for two years. The two-part interview aired on independent YouTuber Dhanya Varma’s channel created quite a stir, with several netizens saying that they recognise pieces of themselves in Anupama.
“This may be the first time a person as famous as her is speaking so openly about narcissism. The courage is appreciable…,” read a comment under the first part of the interview. Most viewers, especially women, responded in the same vein, explaining how the interview either helped them validate their own suspicions about romantic relationships that turned toxic, or how they feel they may be going through narcissistic abuse at the moment and need to seek help.
There are several complexities involved in ‘diagnosing’ a mental health challenge like narcissistic personality disorder from one person’s elucidation of it on the internet. But before we get into that, it is important to acknowledge how such conversations serve as a conduit for people, particularly women, to make sense of their own struggles.
Romantic relationships are riddled with gender power imbalances, and women have repeatedly spoken about how the tussle for autonomy leaves them exhausted. If we correlate this with data from the National Crime Records Bureau, for example, it is suggestive that intimate partner violence is often founded on the male partner’s push for control over the woman’s body and choices. In 2023, nearly three in 10 reported crimes against women pertained to “cruelty by husband or relatives,” the largest category recorded. While the numbers do not establish the motive in every case, the scale of such violence is some indication that violence against women in intimate relationships is often entangled with gendered power and control.
It is also a known fact that much of the violence that transpires in intimate relationships goes unreported, considering how the partners often reconcile and decide to mend things. It further has to do with the social context we live in, where breaking relationships is considered taboo, especially when women do it.
It is against this backdrop that a celebrity like Anupama opened up about the emotional abuse she faced in her love life. That context is what makes her interview powerful.
“Everything was policed. What I wore, what captions I posted on Instagram, who I spoke to…My mood was dependent on my ex-partner’s mood, and I have had breakdowns so intense that we had to sometimes halt shoots on my film sets so that I could calm down,” she explained.
These aspects of emotional abuse, several women commented, were “too familiar” but also largely “misunderstood”. The misunderstanding most of them are speaking about is regarding the difficulty in identifying control and separating it from love.
Those experiencing similar fluctuations in their personal lives often do not have avenues to speak up. It is also extremely difficult for someone under severe duress to find the language to explain their predicament to another person. That is where the visibility and vocabulary offered by someone like Anupama greatly benefit them.
There is great power in women opening up about their private experiences of gendered violence, and we know how such confessions have led to greater political solidarity, as we saw with the MeToo movement.
Anupama also mentioned that when she attempted to question the control exerted on her, she was met with accusations of being unkind or ‘feminist’. This is elucidative of how feminism is often used to brand women as unreasonable when they stand up for themselves. What her recounting could do for younger women watching is important.
At younger ages, when women’s political ideologies are still forming, accusations about their feminist perspectives from a romantic partner may push them to self-doubt and eventually, subservience. When someone openly calls this emotional grooming out, there is a sense of experiential relatability that is not just empowering but deeply healing for several women.
However, there are many complexities to understanding mental health and intimate partner violence through social media content.
Anupama specifically said she went through narcissistic abuse. She also said that much of her insight into the personality disorder came from the internet. It is unclear whether she took help from a mental health professional, or if her ex-partner has been diagnosed with the disorder by someone qualified. In that context, flattening narcissistic personality disorder squarely into the boxes she mentioned can be concerning.
The nature of social media must also be factored in here.
Anupama’s interview sparked a widespread outpouring of personal anecdotes from many women online, who wrote about similar experiences. In response, mental health professionals have raised alarm about the dangers of getting a ‘diagnosis’ from Instagram or YouTube. And they have a fair point.
While relating to an individual’s experience offers a sense of relief for others going through something similar, the internet cannot replace the expertise of a trained medical practitioner. It is essential to be mindful of the difference between relatability and diagnosis when it comes to topics like this.
Nonetheless, there is no denying that Anupama’s choice to speak was nothing short of brave. She said that she decided to place her vulnerabilities before the public eye with the intention of serving as a reference point for fellow women who may be stuck in loops of emotional violence. And her attempt seems to have been successful.
Whether what she went through can be called narcissistic abuse or if her ex-partner has something else to add can be debated. But what nobody can take away from her is the sheer strength and resilience she has displayed in speaking her truth. By doing so, she has not only risked her professional opportunities, but also put herself up for scrutiny before an unforgiving internet ecosystem that is waiting to pull down women who stand up to power.
Views expressed are the author’s own.
