The Censor Board shouldn't have to 'protect' Indian audiences single-handed. So we've thought of a way to do our bit.

Weve cracked it The recipe for the perfect CBFC-approved sanskaari film
Flix Cinema Sunday, March 05, 2017 - 17:32

The Pahlaj Nihalani-led CBFC makes lots of news, and more often than not, gives us lots to outrage about.

Our Sanitary Censor Board is very responsible – it single-handedly upholds the sanctity of the ‘Indian culture’, protecting it from corrupting influences like the names of citieswomen’s undergarmentsnon-heterosexual relationships and of course, ‘lady-orientation’.

It must be a lot of work ‘protecting’ the Indian audience single-handedly. So, we’ve thought of a way to do our bit and help them.

So, in a bid to help our ambitious filmmakers stay in line, here’s a recipe for the perfect sanskaari film.

Ingredients

1 young, macho patriarch of a man

3/4th of a young woman: unambitious, fair-skinned, stored carefully in a closed box

500 gm of family values

300 gm of sexist sugar

1 cup juice of male lust (male only, mind you), freshly squeezed

2 tbsp of item songs

3 untouched religious idols

Some Alok Nath to taste

Method

Take the macho, manly man and dress him in a pair of sunglasses, bravado and cockiness. In a pan, heat some sleazy oil before placing him there. Toss in some side-kicks and homophobic jokes so that he (and his manliness) stand out.

Once your man’s fragile male ego is glossed over, carefully take the young woman out of the box. She may try to escape because, you know, living things like their freedom. But you must hold on tight lest she go ‘astray’.

First, shred her outer skin so that it is exposed. This is important to bring out the essence of the male lust, but more on that later. Keep the shredded skin aside, we will need it soon.

Carefully add the woman to the dish. Then, add the juice of male lust while stirring continuously. Add half of the sexist sugar and set aside the rest. Close the lid for a few minutes as you turn a blind eye to our macho man stalking, harassing and pursuing the young and fair lady.

After a few minutes, remove the lid from the pan. You should be able to smell the faint aroma of misogynistic ‘love’. Now, add the shredded skins from the woman that you had set aside earlier. The skin exposing needs to reduce now as the woman has been brainwashed transformed into a sanskaari Bhartiya naari by the love of the man.

To create contrast and conflict in this dish now, add the family values so that the man can take a stand for them while the woman, whose individuality is disintegrating, will follow the man as you stir the ingredients in a circular motion. Seven pheras rounds should do it.

Add the item songs now, as our committed-but-tired-of-his-vanilla-relationship-man needs some spice in his life (and let’s face it, so do you the spectators). Add the remaining sexist sugar and stir vigorously.

Keep stirring until the dish has thickened into pungent paste. It should look like the color of patriarchy, the woman you added should only be visible in spots as you stir it, but should not rise to the top.

Turn off the heat and assemble the dish into a clean plate. Garnish with some chiming bells, the religious idols (sanskaari ones please. Don't you remember what happened to the photos of deities in Angry Indian Goddesses?), and perhaps the news of a pregnancy. Sprinkle some Alok Nath and his family patriarch values to taste.

Your sanskaari film is ready. Serve hot. Force feed if you must.

(Views expressed here are personal opinions of the author.)

Become a TNM Member for just Rs 999!
You can also support us with a one-time payment.