If she were ‘missus’ something, the oracles including in the media would be silent

Trolling Anushka Sharma is a running commentary on Indian machismo
Voices Gender Monday, March 28, 2016 - 19:16

Think of it. If Anushka Sharma and Virat Kohli were happily married, would Twitter trolls be baying for her blood? No darlings, they wouldn’t, because that would mean crossing the Lakshman Rekha (LR). That would mean making fun of the nation’s bhabhi. That would mean insulting, not protecting womanhood.

The LR is serious stuff – it is supposed to define the Indian woman. Not a step out of place and time and certainly not intended to cast a shadow over men.  It’s that line which separates a woman in this country from all the other comfortably recognisable and classifiable relationships. Mother, daughter, sister, cook, cleaning lady, nanny and mother in law – you get the drift. Indians cannot handle single women. Period. We don’t care about other countries - we live here.

In this cool and super structure, everybody has a place and a function. According to this law of stupidity, good women go home either to parents, husbands, hostels or in-laws. The other women are all outlaws, they go everywhere, anytime – thoo. In this land of no sin and all grin, grin, nudge, nudge, Sharma has sinned. Twice. First by living with a cricket star – God – in defiance of all laws of cricket and secondly by deciding to end the relationship. She broke his heart, the nation’s heart.

She may have run into rough weather at the box-office recently, but what does she want? She has money, beauty, but no brains. She will never get into IIT. That is the coded message and this is what most Indians are thinking now. Why couldn’t she just settle down like the rest and live the comfortable life of Missus Kohli? Like in that film. Swimming pool, penthouse, cute, cute children and both are Punjabis so there wouldn’t be food issues either. Look at the others. Missus Tendulkar, Missus Dhoni – no misses there. They are smart women.

If Sharma had stayed within the LR she would be married by now and waving from the VIP gallery. We, the people, would have been able to decide on her wedding trousseau, her jewellery, her guest list, where she could go for her honeymoon. We also missed a chance to decide on her lehenga and her mehendi. Let it be said – Sharma has denied India its basic human rights. She has also denied the Indian media their right to free meals and free drinks. Who does she think she is – we will show her. Or better, we will sort her out.

The other missus’ are not like her. They know the way to a man’s heart, India’s heart. But Sharma, she’s the mother and father of all doosraas and doosrees. What does she want, this silly woman. She can’t tell a catch if it landed on her head. Remember it’s because of her that India has been losing so many matches – what a distraction she was.

And we in the media are lapping up all this gobbledygook on a day with heavy news flow. We hope Sharma is having the last laugh.

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