Those who leave elderly in old age homes are judged: But are they always abandoned?

The assumption over why parents are admitted to old age homes exists in family circles, in society as well as on social media.
Rep image of an elderly person
Rep image of an elderly person
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Achamma, a 75-year-old woman from an affluent family in Ettumanoor of Kottayam district, currently lives in an old age home near her house. Her neighbour and relative, speaking to TNM, blames her children for this, who she said are thankless. “What is there to say? She has three sons and two daughters, and all of them are in good positions. After her husband died, she struggled a lot to bring them up. Her sons are all settled abroad. What is the use? She was abandoned by her thankless children.” 

While her neighbour believed her children abandoned her, Achamma has a different version. “They are ready to take me abroad with them. Everything I have is here, I belong here and wanted to be here. I am not used to the western lifestyle and at this age, I am not ready to change. Should I expect my sons to resign from their good jobs and come here and look after me? Why did I educate them and pray for their success? I have seen parents lamenting asking their children who are settled abroad to come back. I don't understand the use of it. Let them live their life and let me live mine,” she said, firmly and with a smile.

Achamma’s neighbour’s perception of parents being ‘abandoned’ at old age homes is all too common in family circles, in society as well as on social media. In several instances, when people ask for suggestions of good homes for elderly care, they are often abused and attacked, or given moralistic sermons.

"They gave birth to you, took care of you, gave their youth and life to you. Now you want to throw them out of your life. Remember that one day you will be in the same position," reads a comment on one such post. "It will not be late. We can see a similar post from your son or daughter on this platform soon. That is what karma does," reads another. 

Differing circumstances

Father Santosh George, who runs the Bethzatha Home in Pathanamthitta district, attests to a similar experience. He recently shared a photograph of an aged father watching his son leave the home. What he didn’t expect was the response to the photograph, where people blamed and judged the son for leaving his father. 

“When he initially came here to drop his father, I questioned him why he was doing it. But when he told his story, which I don't want to reveal, I regretted asking him. His situation was fully convincing. His father is happy here,” Fr Santhosh told TNM.

Father Santhosh said that while children and relatives are blamed, it is not always the case.

“We cannot always assume aged people are innocent. They have their own behavioural issues that families cannot cope with. Some might leave the house without informing the family. Family members will have to go to work, they cannot lock up the parents. There are many situations where aged people will have to depend on care homes. Here they are not orphans, it's a large family," Fr Santhosh said.


Photo posted by Fr Santhosh George

Baby, a 45-year-old man from Idukki district had to admit his mother in an old age home. He told TNM that he was blamed for doing so, and that he was abandoning his mother because his wife told him to. 

“My wife and I are daily wage labourers. We have two children. My mother was suffering from Alzheimer’s disease. When we both went to work, she used to throw away cooked food kept in the kitchen, or put extra salt or masala in food. When we started hiding food, she tried to light the firewood stove and burnt her hands. She also started going out without telling anyone. Once she went missing and we found her in a faraway place. We cannot afford a home nurse or a domestic worker. What else can I do," he asked.

Not always abandonment

Varkichan and Kuttiyamma, an octogenarian couple decided to leave their house six years ago and chose an old age home about 500 kilometers away from their house in Kottayam district.

"They did not want to obey their son and his family. They just wanted to live as they wished. They left their house for no valid reason. They made issues just to leave," a relative of theirs said. 

The couple's son, with whom they had lived, says, "It was their choice. They were not able to adjust here. I asked them to stay many times. They were firm on their decision. I realised that to get them admitted to a good home is my responsibility. So I did that. Many blamed me, many blamed them,” he said.

Kuttiyamma maintains that it was her and Varkichan’s collective decision, considering many factors. 

“We wanted a space that can engage us in our old age. I was sick and tired of looking after household chores. My son and his family had a lot of things to take care of. We shouldn't be there expecting someone to take care of us. Our son is usually out for work and we shouldn’t expect our daughter-in-law, who came from another family, to take care of us. Even though she was ready, we were not okay with it. We had planned this life in our sixties when we were healthy," she added.

There are more and more couples like Varkichan and Kuttiyamma, and this is evidenced by mushrooming luxury gated community retirement homes in the state. 

Many people — single or couples — book their retirement homes even in their late forties or early fifties for a safe and secure retirement. 

"People come here for a peaceful, secure stay. Most of their sons or daughters are settled abroad and these aged parents do not wish to go abroad. We get enquiries of people in their 50s, even before retirement. They opt for this stay and they are really happy about it, said Babu Mathew, Administration Manager at Graceland Retirement Homes in Ernakulam.

John, a coordinator at Bethel Gram Old Age Home in Thiruvananthapuram added that a majority of their occupants do not have a family, and very few were abandoned by their family. 

"We cannot judge the family members. There are many circumstances where the aged people have to depend on old age homes. Building a better old age care environment is what we should focus on," he added.

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