The News Minute| August 3, 2013| 10.20 pm IST
We were there, all of us, mutated as bugs freshly minted in New Delhi. We pasted ourselves on the wall and beneath the chairs, wired to sound.
President Barack Obama walked in with his dog. We held our breath – it seemed he would sniff us and snuff us out or worse, swallow us. A few minutes later, Secretary of State John Kerry came in carrying many papers – we could smell red tape.
Obama: So, how’d it go – any luck with India? What’s this?
Kerry – It’s a white elephant, but no ivory. Only elephants should wear ivory. I picked it up at some musty Cottage shop in Delhi. And this perfume was given to me to pass on to Michelle – smells awful. You can keep it in the guest bathroom.
Obama – Gee, thanks – what’s this guy Modi like? Believe he eats alone and wakes up at 4.a.m. How did the market access talk go? Does he jog?
Kerry – You must be joking. That Modi fella, we’ve got it darn wrong. He’s not one can short of a six pack, this one is no two chips short of a happy meal Barack, far from it. This one’s a toughie, knows what he wants – no pushover like the earlier guys. What’s this?
Meal, we heard meals ready. Our stomach growled. Shhh!
Obama – Gummy bear from Ukraine. Heard he speaks Hindoo?
Kerry – Hindu, Hindi, the other one’s a faith, in orange, I was told by our ground staff who I think need to be fired, all of them. They have no sources – zero – in Delhi. Repeat themselves and others like some sleazy talk show.
But, we tried it all with the Indians. Stepped on their toes, expressed disappointment…Penny even wore orange for most of her meetings and silly gold earrings which once fell into her soup. Me too, I had packed all shades of orange ties only to find that the Finance Minister wears white. He gave me an earful about the WTO and some spicy cumin like juice to drink. Next time, I am taking my OJ.
Obama – huh?
Kerry – Yeah and that midget Foreign Minister! I greeted her with a Namaste, without twisting my toes. Gawd she’s so short, I had to stoop to shake her hand. And all that smiling ended up with her scolding me publicly at the presser for snooping on India Oh, and she said something about the need to have ache din for all – our CIA station chief is getting that translated. Telling you Barack, this ain’t no NGO government – not settling for a few billions.
Obama – Trade Minister?
Kerry – Was getting to it. Penny called on her, wearing some more orange. She smiled which I am told is a concession. Come to think of it, they were all smiling a lot. All the Indians, the politicians, the businessmen, the journalists - do I have spinach on my teeth?
We all looked at each other’s teeth as we clung to our spy posts. All was fine. Obama’s dog ate a gummy bear which had fallen on the floor. Our snoopy reporter said she was fainting with hunger and would fall - shut up, you idiot!
Obama – You’re telling me this man is not going to listen to…
Kerry – I am not telling you anything. I am trying to tell you that this guy is not like anything we’ve seen or heard before. I am not telling you anything else.
Obama – Well, if you have nothing to say John, why are the Israelis snooping on you? Here’s the transcript.
Kerry – Takes the paper, stares at it and exclaims. “This looks like Gujarati to me, Barack. Think we just got beaten at our own game.
Obama – What? Show me, what does it say?
Kerry – See here, here - it says aiyoo.
(Okay, this was a spoof... in case you didn't get it already)