Baiju Raju’s death: Distress and suicide can’t be reduced to a superficial ‘gender war’

On March 22, Baiju Raju, a 40-year-old Malayali man working in New Zealand, uploaded two videos multiple times on his YouTube channel. One of them is 19 minutes long, a discomfiting confrontation of his wife. In the video, Baiju is asking his wife to sit on a small stool, the camera trained on her as he questions her about an alleged affair. The second video, 10 minutes long, features a heartbroken Baiju declaring his anger towards his wife and her family for her infidelity. He is planning to take his own life, he says. A day after the videos were uploaded, Baiju was found dead in a lodge at his hometown of Kayamkulam in Kerala’s Alappuzha.

In the hours that followed, Baiju’s videos quickly went viral. Immediate opinions were formed and narratives were woven, mostly of two kinds. A majority questioned and abused Baiju’s wife, claiming she pushed her husband to suicide. Others accused Baiju of being a toxic husband who left his wife with no option but to seek comfort elsewhere.

Social media discourse has reduced a deeply personal tragedy — and a serious social issue of how dominant systems and structures can take people’s lives — into a no-nuance narrative of 'men’s rights vs feminism’. Can a partner’s actions distress a person enough to make them question their existence? Yes. Does it mean a woman in a heteronormative marriage should not make choices — whether ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ — for herself? No. In a patriarchy that has hard boundaries for what a husband and wife should be, and judges people for ‘failure’ to live up to these norms, can we reduce suicide to the consequences of another person’s actions? Definitely not.

In this case, Baiju’s videos have drawn anger from those who feel wronged by women choosing to be independent agents of their own life. In the days that followed the news of Baiju’s death, members of a local men’s rights activist group had taken it upon themselves to ensure that the funeral on March 26 went off smoothly. “Due to the misuse of women’s rights laws, many men have died by suicide. When we came to know about Baiju, we volunteered to ensure justice for him. We have also filed complaints with the police,” a representative of the group, Firoz, told the media. The foundation also alleged on their Facebook page that neither the government nor the media was covering the case because the person who died was a man, not a woman.

It’s important however to note two things: suicide is not an individual problem, but oftentimes the result of trying to live in systems that oppress all of us — patriarchy, caste, capitalism, heteronormativity, fascism. Secondly, our moral distinctions of what is right and wrong (cheating, in this case) cannot mean that we blame a person who made choices for herself and accuse her of killing her husband.

According to Baiju’s father Kochukunju Raju, the friction between Baiju and his wife began around one-and-a-half years into their marriage. He has admitted to the media that she had filed a domestic violence complaint against Baiju in New Zealand, but claimed it was a false charge. Baiju had raised a similar allegation in one of the videos he posted, in which he accused his wife of making false claims to separate him from their daughter.

The New Zealand police had separated the couple after the complaint, Baiju’s father told media persons. “After that, she left with their daughter and came to Kerala without even informing Baiju. He was very depressed because of this,” he said. He added that the wife had filed a divorce notice against Baiju, which had also vexed the latter. Baiju, too, said in his video that his only hope in life was his daughter, who he alleged was snatched away from him.

Meanwhile, Baiju’s wife, who hails from Elanthoor in Pathanamthitta, has reportedly returned to New Zealand. The police team investigating the incident is learnt to have recorded statements of both of their family members. So far, no one has been booked.

This is all we know of the domestic violence allegations and the living arrangements of the family. With this, any attempt to weigh the trauma of domestic violence against the trauma of a father who had to be separated from his child will be irresponsible. Human beings are not cardboard cutouts, and an abusive husband can be a loving father. However, individual instances of deep personal tragedy should not be the focus of this discourse.

He said, she did not

Every assumption so far made about the relationship between Baiju and his wife is ultimately based on two videos — both made in seemingly emotionally charged circumstances, by a man who can no longer speak for himself. It is to be noted that neither Baiju’s wife nor her family members have spoken publicly about their version of the events yet. All we know is that she had, at one point, filed a domestic violence complaint against her husband while in New Zealand, the details of which we are still not privy to. We have no evidence to believe that the case was falsely foisted, as alleged by Baiju and his father.

So does it all simply come down to the question of whom to believe, or side with? More importantly, who even are we to make this judgement call? Firstly, it is not as if there is a one-size-fits-all definition for infidelity. As the Indian law doesn’t recognise adultery as a crime anymore, the understanding of what constitutes ‘cheating’ now almost exclusively depends on individual moral codes, which can change vastly from person to person, relationship to relationship. This personal sense of morality, in turn, is in a constant tussle with the Indian society at large — one that places the sanctity of marriage above all, relegating the man in the family to the role of a ‘provider and protector.’ Not fulfilling this role, and a hundred other things including the infidelity of a wife, leads to people questioning a man's masculinity, causing distress.

As feminism and the fight for women's rights gain traction, a number of women are trying to break out of the roles set for them by patriarchy and choose their own paths. Several men however are not equipped to handle this renegotiation of gender roles in relationships and in society. Patriarchy puts the cisgender heterosexual man at the top of the gender hierarchy. Feminism says all genders are equal. But many cis-het men view equality and equity as them 'losing' power to women — and movements like men's rights activism drum up these fears further.

In a country where up to 55% of married people have reportedly been unfaithful to their partners at least once (as per a survey conducted by ‘extramarital’ dating app Gleeden), the divorce rate is less than 1%, the lowest in the world. It is no secret that a significant number of couples in India are forced to stay in unhappy marriages for reasons ranging from religious ideals and societal reputation to ‘for the sake of the children.’ We still hold on to the outdated ideal of a long-lasting family unit over happiness.

Baiju’s father said that he had told his son many times to leave his wife. “I asked him to take custody of the child and let his wife live her life, so he could also have a good family life. But he was not convinced,” he told the media.

A man reduced to his heartbreak

The mainstream narrative surrounding Baiju’s death, formed exclusively based on the fact that he was found dead hours after he uploaded videos accusing his wife of infidelity, is easy and reductive — a heartbroken husband dies by suicide after finding out about his wife’s affair. This has also led to criticism of Baiju’s decision, with many questioning if an act of infidelity indeed warranted such a reaction. Why did he not think of his daughter, some ask.

But it has to be noted that even though Baiju had uploaded these two videos together, neither of them was made immediately prior to his death. In fact, both the videos were filmed in New Zealand, with the ‘confrontation’ supposedly having taken place in May last year. It is not known exactly when the second video was shot.

The fact is, we don’t know what happened in the time between when the first video was shot and when Baiju was found dead. What had happened in New Zealand after his wife filed a domestic violence complaint against him? Were there any conversations between the couple after that? Did he have a healthy social support system to help him through the break-up? Did his support system provide him with resources to help with his mental health?

That is the conversation we should be having — about taking our mental health seriously, about providing accessible support for everyone, about not shaming people for reaching out for help. We should be talking about how to support our friends and family better — whether they're suffering domestic violence or heartbreak. We should be talking about the complexities of human suffering.

Reducing everything to a binary is not only unhelpful, it's actively harmful.

Views expressed are the authors' own.

If you are aware of anyone facing mental health issues or feeling suicidal, please provide help.

Tamil Nadu:

State health department suicide helpline number - 104

Sneha Suicide Prevention Centre - 044-24640050 (listed as the sole suicide prevention helpline in TN)

Telangana:

Telangana government suicide prevention toll free no - 104

Roshni- 040-66202000, 66202001

SEVA- 09441778290, 040 - 27504682 (between 9 AM and 7 PM)

Karnataka:

Sahai : 24-hour helpline numbers: 080- 65000111, 080-65000222

Kerala:

Maithri helpline - 0484-2540530

Chaithram helpline: 0484-2361161

Both are 24-hour helpline numbers.

Andhra Pradesh:

Life Suicide Prevention Helpline No.78930-78930

Roshni Helpline 1: 9166202000 Helpline 2: 9127848584