When 24-year-old Alia Kulkarni*, a writer based out of Mumbai, was exploring the dating options available to her, neither casual dating nor long-term relationships seemed like her cup of tea. “Casual sex left me feeling emptier than what I felt before. Relationships don’t happen overnight, it needs patience and willingness to let go of control, which for me, has been difficult. Calling it difficult, honestly, is an understatement. More than a romantic relationship, I was seeking companionship—physical, emotional and sexual. I want to be able to feel safe and comfortable with someone and create a similar space for the other person,” she says.
What would one do if they are not willing to choose relationships which come with adherence to conventional relationship milestones like cohabitation, or marriage that require long-term commitment? Casual dating might seem like the way out. But hooking up and FWB (friends with benefits) are more often than not, devoid of romantic elements, and they seldom come with the kind of longevity, or comfort, as relationships do. Enter situationships, a dating option that is non-platonic, murky-by-definition, and has components of emotional and physical connection between partners, but does not expect them to necessarily operate within an exclusive and committed arrangement or other normative labels like relationships traditionally do.
The air of ambiguity around situationships might come across as a limitation at the first glance, but situationships offering more room for interpretation, and freedom to explore, seems to be the reason behind people choosing it over other avenues. Madhan*, a student from Madras Christian College, says that situationship was his go to choice when he did not want to be friends with his partner, but was not quite ready to get into an official relationship either.
“I met my partner eight months ago. We were friends for the first three months, and then we realised we have feelings for each other but were not ready for a relationship just yet. We were in a situationship for another two to three months, before we got into a relationship. We took that time in between to figure out if we were compatible and whether we were looking for something similar,” he notes.
Damini*, a 22-year-old journalism student based in Odisha, says she opted for a situationship after she went all casual and gave ‘no-strings-attached’ dating a shot, but came out of it wanting to have a stronger connection with her partner, without having to do it through relationships. If situationships have helped people find a midground between a dating option that is neither ‘too serious’ nor ‘too casual’, it has also helped overcome barriers such as time period and geographical location. “I opted for situationships when I was seeing men who were not from the same city as me, or they were in the country only for a few months,” says Niharika*, a 35-year-old lawyer from Bengaluru.
For Hannah*, a 24-year-old student pursuing CA in Bengaluru, it was the lack of tags, or the ability to say “let’s see where it goes” that made situationships more endearing. “I have been in quite a few situationships and they only lasted for three to four months. I have been in the kind where we are more than friends and we talk on a daily basis and we know that the feelings ‘seem mutual’ but nobody is ready to acknowledge,” she says.
The charms of the hard-to-define dating option also includes its lack of rules. Whether partners are mutually exclusive in situationships, or whether they have a list of dos and don'ts, would entirely depend on the people in question. For instance, if a couple does not want to feel obligated to call or text each other, or if they don’t want their partner(s) into their personal space, their situationship would be built on the foundation of the said ground rules. “Concepts like open relationships and polyamourous relationships are better accepted today. Some would want to explore their romantic and sexual identities, or explore their kinks in a safe space. So there’s no universality, it is as subjective as something can get,” says Alia.
Situationships certainly give people the space to understand their needs and introspect on what is expected of their partners. However, the lack of rules can seem like a slippery slope, forcing people to walk on eggshells. “It becomes a little complex when both of us know we are talking to other people through dating apps, but do not know where to draw the line for it to become exclusive,” says Hannah. Speaking about her experience with situationships, she adds, “They seem all cool for a while but beyond that one always gets really tired of not having anything meaningful."
Despite the free pass on commitment and the lack of rigidity that situationships bring to the table, they can get messy when one of the partners ‘catches feelings’. “People think situationships make it easier for partners to communicate. I don’t think that is always the case. People’s expectations keep changing. In a situationship, one would occasionally feel afraid to talk about their feelings, or would steer clear of not expressing how they truly feel, especially when they like their partner more than their partner likes them,” says Swapna*, a 23-year-old postgrad student of clinical psychology from Chennai, who says she has been in two situationships over the past three years.
Lifestyle and pop-culture blogs offering dating ‘advice’ are divided when it comes to deciding how healthy situationships are. Fiercely making the case for situationships, some blogs– albeit fewer in number – paint it as an utopian dating option that paves way for clear communication and makes it easy for parties to effortlessly move on if it no longer works for them. On the other hand, we find a number of blogs opining that this arrangement stems from Gen Z’s apparent fear of commitment. Some also go to the extent of persuading its readers to get out of it if they are in one. Is there conclusive data suggesting that situationship is a millennial or Gen Z trend? Does being in a situationship automatically imply that it stems from a place of inability or fear of being in a committed relationship? These are pertinent questions that need to be answered before advocating against situationships, and are perhaps discussions for another day.
However, the answer to whether it is a healthy dating behaviour, lies somewhere between both these schools of thoughts. Most of the people TNM spoke to believe that the ability to communicate or move on in a hassle-free manner would depend on the individuals, their circumstances, and not so much on the dating construct within which they operate. "I was stuck on a person for so damn long and had to undergo many therapy sessions because of it. Yet I kind of hope that he comes back. That person supported me through one of the worst times of my life, so I long for that security or feeling of security. Right now, I am in a situationship and it scares me” says Alia.
Hannah points out that her takeaways from previous situationships have made the current one easier for her. “I've learnt only recently how to be okay with uncomfortable conversations and asking people directly where they went to head with all that's happening.” she says.
Are situationships new? Contrary to popular belief that situationships came into existence only after the emergence of dating apps, it’s a concept that has been there like every form of relationship including hooking up. “It was because of our morality we did not explore them or even if we did, we did not openly speak about it. Our practices have evolved,” says Alia.
New additions to the pre-existing inventory of words defining dating behaviours, have allowed us to discuss it more often and perhaps more coherently than before, observes Damini. Nonetheless, there is consensus that situationships have become the order of the day, thanks to dating apps. “Though summer flings are known to be more brief, it is not very different from situationships if we go by their definitions. People have always sought out for it. They were perhaps not as public about it as they are today since they are worried about being judged. But it has become easier after dating apps became popular,” Niharika quips.
Shayan*, a Bengaluru-based professional, says in addition to dating apps, the pandemic too played a role in one of his earlier situationships. “I was using dating apps in travel mode when I went out of town for an event. I was looking for something casual, and I had a match with a girl from another city who was also there to attend another event and was there only for a few days. Though we could not meet then we caught up with each other in Bengaluru. However, on the day that she was about to leave, both of us tested COVID positive and we ended up quarantining together, and we parted ways after we recuperated,” says the 29-year-old.
Damini says that after spending time in isolation during the pandemic, many people went back to the ‘new normal’, wanting to feel a deeper sense of connection, be it with friends, family, or their romantic and sexual partners.
(*Names have been changed to protect anonymity)