You're in bed, burning calories for pleasure. Your man is about to come – but you're far from it. You know from experience that once he's done, he isn't really going to work hard to return the favour. So, what do you do now? Do you get yourself off? Do you demand that he helps you finish, too? Probably not.
That’s the pleasure gap. Like the gender pay gap, it affects women and their quality of life, and points to an accepted norm that values men over women. It is the difference between how often a woman and a man orgasm in bed. The worst part? The gap has not really changed over the years. Women have broken the glass ceiling at work, men have started to share the load at home, but when it comes to pleasure, whether it is a young and sexually active woman or her grandma, the progress has been poor.
Orgasm — climaxing, coming, reaching the destination, the big-O — call it what you will, is important. Our bodies need this. The melatonin, serotonin and the dopamine a good orgasm releases is essential for our bodies. It heals us, it regulates sleep better, it provides our brains and our hearts that delicious little kick of fun that goes a long way in making us feel alive, healthy and happy. And the pleasure that sex provides helps us live healthy, centred, and fulfilling lives.
You can orgasm when you masturbate, or when you are having sex with a partner. Your chances of orgasm are higher if you are masturbating, of course, because we know our own bodies best, and we know what we like. Pleasure, irrespective of the form it takes, is as important to our physical and mental health as is exercise, eating healthy, and more. It is a form of self-care.
Sex with a partner — whether short term or long term, committed or hook up — should also result in orgasms for both partners. Ideally.
Except, survey after survey shows that men have way more orgasms than women, in heterosexual relationships. In a study conducted by MsChief, a newly launched women sexual pleasure brand from the house of TTK Healthcare Ltd., and Unomer Inc., over 81% of women reported to be dissatisfied with their sex lives, with 73% rarely reaching their climax. But only 3% of the men said that they think their partner “never or rarely” experience orgasm. The study also found that women fake orgasms more, but men are far more likely to discuss their sexual needs with their women partners.
Another study pointed to a pleasure gap of 52%. That is, in sexual encounters, women orgasm only 39% of the time, whereas men orgasm up to 91% of the time. The same study also showed that 39% of the women always orgasm on their own.
Another study of over 3,000 people showed that even when they have sex with a well-known, familiar partner, women only reached orgasm 63% of the time, while men could 85% of the time. The India Today Sex Survey done in collaboration with MsChief also pointed to the pleasure gap.
Source: India Today
This gendered pleasure gap is more pronounced in heterosexual women. Lesbian women, and other queer women who have sexual relations with women, usually have better orgasms. Self-pleasure, like we noted earlier, results in orgasms more often.
So, the pleasure gap exists.
But why does it exist?
A big part of the problem is that culturally, men and their orgasms are valued higher. A woman is seen as the passive partner. Her job is to be the means through which men attain their sexual gratification. Any number of cultural markers, films, songs, art, perpetuate and strengthen this view. Doctors will, with sombre expressions, say that it is not necessary for women to orgasm in order to achieve the “main aim” of sexual intercourse. It is sufficient for only the man to climax and automatically a baby will be formed and the human species can continue.
It also manifests in other ways. Men feel much more comfortable with showing off their sexual preferences and talking about it. Women on the other hand are cautioned to not talk about sex and sexual pleasure. Failing which, society labels them loose women, or worse.
In the bedroom too, we think sex is “complete” only if the penis enters the vagina. Tender loving care? Caresses? Erotic massages? Stimulating the woman’s clitoris? All these are “merely” foreplay, and therefore optional.
All of these are problems, and we have been talking about them for quite a while now. What's the solution? Well – it's men who should be worried about it. If pleasure has to be a priority, sexually active adults should take pride in how good we are in bed – and going by all the studies we've quoted, clearly a majority of men are failing.
Men, mix it up and make your bedroom a place for fun. Ditch the old ways, and find things that tingle both of your spidey senses. Use lubricants, talk about your kinks, may be use some props. Your partner loves fanfics? Become her favourite character. Write new chapters of fun. And if you both don’t finish on a high, sexy time isn’t over yet. Get back there and see what you are not doing.
Women must prioritise their own pleasure at least 50% of the time. It's important that women communicate what your needs are in bed, what turns you on, what doesn't work for you etc. – and demand better. It's also important to let him know that you are not satisfied. And then, of course, there is always the option of running wild with your own imagination and letting it happen.
We have two other suggestions for you, women.
One, start giving him ratings after sexy time. You had multiple orgasms? 10/10. He uncovered a new technique but needs more practice to perfect it? 8/10. You did not come even once? A big fat 0.
Two, check out MsChief, a pleasure brand with a new range of products for women.
This article was published by TNM Brand Studio in association with MsChief.