A discussion on love, relationships, and polyamory turned into an eclectic conversation on community, caste, vulnerability, and marriage at Bengaluru’s Cafe Zubaan on the evening of Wednesday, May 6. The discussion was part of Zubaan’s Kahwa aur kitabein series, where writer and cultural practitioner Arundhati Ghosh’s book All Our Loves: Journeys with Polyamory in India was discussed. It was hosted by Jasna Moidu.
The event drew participants into a chat on companionship beyond traditional monogamy. Arundhati invited questions from the audience, leading to an interactive session marked by humour, personal reflections, and moments of collective introspection.
Speaking about the reception of her book over the past year, Arundhati said conversations around polyamory had reached audiences beyond the urban queer and youth demographics she initially expected. According to her, “Many attendees at discussions on the book were older married people questioning conventional ideas of relationships and emotional fulfillment.”
The discussion moved between emotional vulnerability, jealousy, caste dynamics, and the politics of intimacy. Responding to questions about jealousy in relationships, Arundhati described it as stemming largely from fear of abandonment and insecurity rather than another person’s actions. She encouraged participants to openly communicate vulnerability with partners and seek support systems instead of suppressing uncomfortable emotions.
The conversation also explored the idea of compassion, which Arundhati described as the opposite of jealousy, the feeling of joy when a partner experiences happiness with someone else. She argued that mainstream ideas of love often glorify possessiveness and ownership, while alternative relationship structures demand greater trust and emotional honesty.
Audience members recollected personal experiences during the session, including issues like caste and access within queer and polyamorous spaces.
One participant spoke about how jealousy could also emerge from unequal social and economic access, rather than only emotional insecurity. Arundhati acknowledged that conversations around caste and class were becoming more visible in queer communities, though inequalities continued to shape who had access to such spaces and conversations.
The discussion later shifted towards ideas of chosen families, relationship anarchy, and the role of community support. Arundhati emphasised the importance of creating safe spaces and collective support systems, particularly for people navigating identities and relationships outside dominant social norms. She described communities and friendships as necessary forms of care in a society that often isolates individuals.
Speaking about the importance of support systems, Arundhati said, “There are ways in which we can build new, chosen families,” while also emphasising the role of community spaces such as Cafe Zubaan in enabling conversations around relationships and identity.
Arundhati also reflected on marriage as a social institution shaped historically by property, inheritance, and social alliances, rather than romantic love. She argued that modern relationships often struggle because emotional expectations of love are placed within institutional structures originally built for entirely different purposes.
Even after the event formally concluded, audience members continued to interact with each other .
Cafe Zubaan regularly hosts events as part of its Kahwa aur kitabein series, bringing together writers, artists, activists, and audiences for informal discussions, readings, and conversations around literature, politics, identity, and culture.
This article was written by a student interning with TNM.