Short stories on women’s desires, silences, choices: Book excerpt

‘Gods dislike women who engage with men? Why would the Gods care, Alamer?’ Amma chuckled and continued, ‘Ok... Gods care. Vithala/Rama/Anjaneya... you choose your lot. Whoever it is, they care. But you are confused as to what they care about.’

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‘Do you know why people hate us so much, Alamer? It’s not because we break marriages. We cause discord in society because we show life as impossibly beautiful to a man, which is not practically possible to lead every day. He can never enjoy his wife once he lives with us. That’s how we break families.

‘Do you know why people hate Devadasis so much, Alamer? It’s not just because they are judgmental. No, that’s only the trivial lot that hate us on religious or moral grounds. I don’t care about that hatred. True hatred, the one that I worry about, is from people who know what we really can do to a man. It’s not sex, Alamer. Any whore on the street can bare herself to a man for a few coins. We are hated because we show an alternative lifestyle to men. The possibility of an alternative lifestyle that isn’t financially or practically possible, so we sow the seeds of discord and dissatisfaction in a man towards his wife and her capabilities. When he lives with us, his experiences are all orchestrated and choreographed to make him feel truly and unquestionably loved. He has no choice but to succumb and get addicted to that feeling. Any man would.

‘This is all a calculated procedure, Alamer. Survival for us – Love for them. Don’t be fooled. It’s not love for us... or at least not just love. We are eventually hated and despised by the same men who, at one point, were madly besotted with us. Eventually, they realise we are a drain on their pockets and for a mere mortal, this can’t be a sustainable way to live or love. Why am I saying all this to you? To break your myth of love. Has it ever occurred to you that I have destroyed families? Every woman who lives in this house has caused discord in countless families. There are women and children who curse me and my existence on this earth. Imagine the sort of hatred towards you where it’s not death but pain that’s being wished upon you. Death seems sweet.’ Alamer winced. ‘Amma, stop it!’ She sounded horrified. But she had to listen to this. It’s all rosy from the outside. It always is. ‘But that’s my life, Alamer. Not yours. I was born to do this. Why? I don’t know. This is my karma. To be erotically loved and deeply hated. That’s my fate. I was born to break families, ruin men and live in ill-got luxuries. But I don’t delude myself like you are trying to now. I’m not saying I’m helpless either. I’m not saying I can’t walk away from this life. I’m saying I made peace with my life. This is my Vruthi Dharma. I made peace with the fact that I would never be truly loved.’

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‘There wasn’t one boring moment in my life, Alamer. If I had to do it all over again, I’d do it the same way. I probably will die a horrible death. I probably will have a very bad rebirth. I’ve made my peace with it. Or maybe, I’m thinking I’ve made my peace with it, maybe when it actually comes to the painful death part, I’ll regret it all, or maybe I’ll say it was worth it.’

——

For a long time, Alamer thought the story ran just between the two. Nothing stays just between two people. Not even love. Not even lust. Definitely not when it’s just lust. Why do I say this? How do I know? It happens every day. Secrets get out; it’s their job to get out. They aren’t secrets if they don’t get out. Simple truths stay hidden for a long time, but when the truth has a scandal to it, it aches to get out. People holding onto the information itch to get a perspective, and if nothing, then entertainment.