If you can’t beat them, join ’em – Or, Ente Dinkeswara!

If you can’t beat them, join ’em – Or, Ente Dinkeswara!
If you can’t beat them, join ’em – Or, Ente Dinkeswara!
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By J Devika

A new wave, nay, tsunami, of (THE) Faith has risen in Kerala. Soon, it will sweep the Nation.  This is the mighty thrust of Lord Dinkan, now known all over Kerala as Dinkamatam – or Dingoism.

…. Yellow, and black, and pale, and hectic red/ Pestilence-stricken multitudes: O Dinka,/ Who chariotest to their dark wintry bed ... [from ‘Ode to Dinka’ by the early Dinka devotion poet Muroidea Muridae Murinae, later stolen by Shelley and rewritten as ‘Ode to the West Wind’. Note that Dinkan,  superhero airborne rat and Shelley’s West Wind are both powers of the Air]

If you don’t believe me, visit this url:

Now, like many others, I too was an unbeliever until I went there. One click, and I knew this was truly Faith. Market logic is nowadays the true marker of anything genuine (redefined an anything worth pursuing), and Dinkoism is unmatched in this regard. Even Amritanandamayi who successfully packages and sells all styles of Hinduism (the astrologer-obsessed style, the Saibaba-singing-style, the Sivakasi-print style, the shallow version of the Upanishadic style, the Christian-inflected Hugging-Mother style, the belligerent Hindutvavadi-style) cannot match him. Upon opening this Divine page, my eyes fell upon a notice in Malayalam which said: Mega offer before the world ends in 2012 [that needs updating, I suppose – small error; the spirit is more important] . 100 % guarantee in securing sin-free existence. Many years of service. Ridding of curses undertaken responsibly. We have no branches. Now, what further proof did I need to be convinced that this was the true Faith? Who doubts now that faith in the Logic of the Market precedes faith in faith? The Logos of Dinkan and the Logic of the Market are in perfect harmony!

Alas, there are too many snide unbelievers who call Dinkoism a parody-faith. No, and Dinkoists recently produced proof for that. They recently attacked a Malayalam movie that profaned the name of their beloved God. Hmm! What does the actor Dileep think of himself! How dare he name his measly movie ‘Professor Dinkan’! Dinkoists, protested outside his restaurant in Kochi – yes, they have sentiments which are hurt very soon, and what further proof do you need of them being united in a true Faith! Dinkan followers are convinced that their faith is timeless and ancient (again, evidence of them being a truly religious group). Further proof comes from the fact that the NRI section of believers forms the (suitably-raucous) Halleluja chorus of the faith, and that they do a lot of proselytizing using new white converts. Watch this video, and you will be convinced (if not converted). Final-shinal proof of being a true-blue religion lies in the formation of a Dinkoist Mushikasena which will vent fury on all those who offend Dinkoists anywhere.

No, they have nothing to do with the Hindu religion which depromoted Lord Dinkan to a mere mouse (and without his sexy superman costume) fated to carry Lord Ganesha. But does not the depromotion reveal a greater truth? That Dinkan was stronger than Ganesha himself in that he could carry both the elephant-head and the pot-bellied human below? (The pot-belly is not the elephant’s fault). No, they will  stay squashed under the under-belly of Hinduism no more!

For those of you who think that Dinkan can’t form the core of a true Faith, think again. Of course, there are unbelievers everywhere – friends, for example, whose legs instantly seek refuge in whatever chair or bench or cot they are sitting on, at the very mention of Lord Dinkan, only because he happens to be a Mouse. However, this did not upset me, because it seemed to point at a golden opportunity! Dinkan-followers, here is our chance to be outraged again, and remain constantly outraged! Insults directed against our Lord may be infrequent (or we will make them infrequent, using naked muscle power) but insults against his earthly representative are a-plenty! In fact, we can spend all our time outraged, and even redefine Bhakti completely as a perpetually-outraged existence focused on the Self alone!

Shifting the focus from the adoration of Lord Dinkan’s divine form to the defense of his earthy representatives may be worthwhile in other significant ways too.

Now, many Dinkan followers are going to object. A rat instead of Divine Dinkan – they will fume. But I say, a cost-benefit analysis (true to our market logic), if undertaken, could reveal great advantages. If we take the line that Dinkamatakkaar are people who like/protect/encourage rats, or emulate their (alleged) behaviour in their lives, many, many others, very prominent members of Kerala’s upper classes today, will count as either secret-Dinkoists, or at least unknowing supporters of Dinkamatam! Now, it may only be natural that under these times of persecution, many Dinkamatakkaar may hide inside other faiths and practice their Dinkamatam secretly.

This last statement makes me really hopeful. For example, just imagine – won’t it be great to have none other than the peerless Kochouseph Chittilappilly on our side? This successful businessman, this paragon of self-discipline, would be no doubt a golden feather in the cap of Dinkamatam of the present! How, you may ask? I am filled with hope when I see him demand a campaign against the ‘stray dog menace’ in Kerala, proclaiming that animal rights folk are more interested in dogs than in human beings! Observe that he does not discuss the larger context of the dog menace – the piling up of enormous piles of garbage, especially biowaste, all over Kerala. All he wants is the dogs removed. Now, is this not a secret move to improve the prospects and the strength of the rodent population in the state? It is a well-known fact that in the absence of serious waste management by the government, the rodent population is kept at bay mainly by the stray dogs? If the dogs go, who benefits? The rats, of course! I am getting the goosebumps when I think further, for this potential- or secret-Dinkoist may even be planning the victory of the rodent population against the arrogant human population! For, again, there have been instances in which the sudden culling of stray dogs (in Surat, for example) led to not just the rise of the rodents, but also to the fall of the humans through diseases like the plague and others, which the rats spread! Why, this may even bring Europeans to their knees, for the very mention of plague makes them quiver and shake even today! Again, the editor of the Madhyamam newspaper, which campaigns all the time about stray dogs, and pays much less attention to the mounting garbage problem, may be inadvertently aiding Dinkamatam, though he’d be prepared to die a thousand deaths rather than admit to have done so! But never mind that for the moment.

And further – here is the double-bonus – the very people that the above worthies criticize – may also be Dinkamatakkar, for they too turn a completely blind eye to the waste management problem except when they share an uncomfortable proximity to people (like the City Corporation Councillors), and hence contribute to the prosperity of Dinkan’s earthly representatives. Can you imagine – the entire gang in the City Corporations all over Kerala, Dinkamatakkaar, each and every one of them! Behold, all ye Unbelievers! Behold the power of Dinkan to unite foe and foe, and turn them all into his devotees, secret or unintentional, but devotees nevertheless!

And does not our confidence soar to stratospheric heights and beyond, the playground of our Lord in his cute superhero suit, when we think about the other group of secret/unintentional potential Dingoists? Imagine the endless array of proverbs about rodent-ean ethics and behaviour :

Rats desert a sinking ship.

Rats and conquerors must expect no mercy in misfortune.

Rats make havoc in the kitchen when the cat’s a kitten.

Flatter, like rats, tickles and then bites.

One rat dropping spoils a whole pot of rice

If you have groundnuts in your room expect rats.

… And of course we have all heard of the rat-race ? Never mind envious folk who have coined usages like ‘rat’s ass’; as I mentioned earlier, they are useful insofar as they keep the flames of our outrage burning.

Now, draw upon your knowledge of recent Kerala politics, and figure out for yourself who all are following rodent-ean precepts in ethics and practice? You will be blown off for sure! Ente Dinkeswara

This post first appeared on Kafila.org, here. 

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