Features Tuesday, September 30, 2014 - 05:30
The News Minute | September 9, 2014 | 4.11 pm IST (Satire) To him, we bow our heads in respect - he who has secured our streets, saved our women and daughters and sown the seeds of a true women’s revolution among revolutionaries.  He is Kankar Barui (IPS), Deputy Commissioner of Police, Detective Department, Biddhannagar City Police, West Bengal, India. In what appears to be an encyclopedia of do’s and don’ts he has stated some rules. We have taken refuge in some poetic license to add the rest without touching the rules  WAYS TO DEAL WITH EVE-TEASING 01. DRESS DECENTLY. This will save money on all those trips to the beauty parlour for waxing etc. It will also ensure that covered legs will remain white, the referred colour of Indians.  02. HAVE EMERGENCY SPEED DIAL NUMBERS IN YOUR PHONE. For this to happen you need to ensure your phone is charged. So ensure you live in a house with electricity and always pay your phone bills on time. Nothing can be worse than having to face molestation and cat calls in addition to an unpaid phone bill. 03. SELF DEFENSE. Neither Karaté nor KravMaga – both of which originated in Bharat – deters our rowdies. We suggest you spit on them, many times. If it is difficult for you to spit and shout for help at the same time, then we suggest you stay at home.  04. AWARE OF PEOPLE AROUND YOU. Keep a tab, daily. Note all untoward movements around you. Who is new, who is good, who is bad, who is a liar, who is a rapist, who is a murderer– everything must be noted down in a diary with mobile phone numbers of all. We suggest you photocopy the diary and keep the second version in a steel almirah. 05. AVOID LATE NIGHTS. That is to say, come home by six pm, at about the same time that the cows also come home. See, even nature knows what is natural. Staying out late, sleep-overs and other such paaji things are influence of western culture to break Indian culture. Let us take a vow to return to maa, maati and manush. 06. CARRY PEPPER SPRAY, IF POSSIBLE. This is a costly item, but it works if you can find it in your handbag. Once you find it, please ensure that you direct the nozzle of the spray away from you and not in your eyes.  07. BE WELL BEHAVED. Always say thank you. If you get the sense that a man is trying to rape you, fall at his feet and beg for his mercy. Say you are like his sister, mother, grandmother, anything. If one foot doesn’t work, then hold both feet and repeat the above.  08. STAY IN GROUPS. Like sheep or herds of cows or gaggle of geese. That way if one of you is getting raped, others can run and look for help. In the meantime, the woman who is being raped should spit, use pepper spray and finally fall at the man’s feet. 09. AVOID TRAVELLING IN CROWDED BUS OR TRAIN. Only seek employment where you can work between 11.30 am to 14.30 pm.  10. AVOID GOING IN ISOLATED PLACES. Don’t go to Chowringhee Street. There are too many lights there and they are meant to trap and dazzle young girls. 11. WALK IN WELL-LIT AND FREQUENTED AREAS like the library, good hotels frequented by educated people.  12. BE STREET SMART. When you go out, that is. But you must not be too smart because people may think you are a loose woman. Chi, thoo.

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