What do women want in bed? This is a subject many men pretend to have mastered, but have agonised over for centuries. They tend to assume that they know everything that there’s to know about sex, but when it turns out that they’re wrong (sit down for this one – not every woman wants you to turn Columbus and discover their g-spot), they get upset. There is, of course, a very simple solution to end all the confusion – just ask the woman you’re with what she wants.
The first thing men need to understand is that women have the right to pleasure as much as they do. She is not being 'too demanding' in asking for an orgasm. She needs to feel good in bed, and her pleasure should be the goal of the patner too. An orgasm is the bare minimum she should be enjoying, and partners need to really get down to it, quite literally (if she wants it), to make sure they get one.
But that's not all, there is more. We asked three women about the numerous assumptions men make about what women like in bed. The most common assumption is that all women like (or dislike) the same things. So, keep that in mind as you read further. Here’s what they said.
There’s more to a woman than one body part
Thirty-seven-year-old Nethra from Delhi does not enjoy it at all when men pretend her face is edible. “The assumption that we like to have our face eaten in the name of passion, you know when they're kissing you and they're licking your chin and chewing your nose, even saying this is making me queasy,” she says. She has a long list of wrong assumptions that men make about women in bed – from women NOT liking penetrative sex to taking it as a given that they can ONLY orgasm from oral sex.
Twenty-five-year-old Preethi from Chennai recalls the first man she was with, when she was 19. “He was just focussed on my boobs,” she says with exasperation. “He went on and on rubbing his face between my breasts and I was like – listen, there’s more of me. At some point, I just got bored but had to act like I was having a great time.”
Laughing, Preethi says that quite a few men (from her own experience and from that of what her friends have told her – yes, women talk), fetishize one body part and assume that the woman also agrees it is her most erotic zone – though it might very well not be.
It’s not a contest
Many men are also hung up on the idea that both partners HAVE TO orgasm at the same time. Deepti, who is 27 and lives in Bengaluru, doesn’t see the point in “theatrics” when men are attempting to make a woman orgasm.
“I find it funny when guys think that the way to please me in bed is through the strength, speed and geometry of their strokes, like that ludicrous figure-8 thing, or this one time when a guy thought it would be nice to pretty much slam it into me really hard. I felt like I was being poked with a pestle or some other blunt instrument! Personally, during sex (this is not some solid definition, but you get what I mean), my clit is for my orgasms, and my vagina during sex is mossssstly for their orgasms, so I don't really need any theatrics in that region or department, just do your thing and move on,” she says.
And quite a few men also assume that ALL women like to have them orgasm on their faces. “No, we don’t all like ‘facials’,” Nethra says, rolling her eyes.
Deepti enjoys a little submission in bed but she says that men have a very different understanding of what it means to dominate a woman in bed. “Call me vanilla, I just want to be sort of physically overpowered a little, maybe pinned down or pushed around a little, whereas guys seem to think that being sexily dominating means threatening to choke,” she says.
She adds that she finds it very irritating when men want to know how many times she reached orgasm, as if it’s a personal score they’re maintaining.
“I think a lot of men also read about the imaginary female g-spot that promises imaginary immediate orgasm, but they attempt to "find" it in really clumsy and hilariously sometimes infuriatingly self-confident ways. I mean, there is a spot somewhat deep in my vagina that provides some cool sensations when touched, but it doesn't create an immediate orgasm and more importantly, takes some sensitive and careful exploration for an external person (meaning not me) to find,” says Deepti.
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A lot of men are very sensitive about feedback when it comes to their performance in bed. They get insecure, offended, and even lash out against the woman for speaking her mind. So, how do women communicate when they don’t like something the man is doing in bed? “I try to start with body language and sounds, like a hiss, or move away or not making happy sounds, but if they don't listen, then I pull away and say I'm sorry but I really don't like that. Why don't you try this?” says Nethra.
And how do the men take it? “Depending on what I said, it's usually ‘Really? But all the girls like it!’ or ‘That's ‘cos you haven't had me doing it!’ or sometimes, "Oh, okay, what can I do?’” she says.
Deepti dishes it out to them straight off the bat and has had some men taking it well while some – well, still remain supremely confident.
Preethi says that many men believe sex is all about them and their masculinity. Many don’t make the effort to communicate with their partner and think they already know how she’s responding.
The bottomline is this: it’s impossible for men to know what every woman wants in bed because the answer varies wildly. So, it makes sense that they stop generalising, take feedback and accept that sex is as much about their partner as it is about them.
It is all about pleasure, and her pleasure starts with responsive foreplay and ends with an exhilarating orgasm. Remember, she has the right to pleasure, and you need to do all you can to get her there.
This article was created by TNM Brand Studio for Skore India, and not by TNM Editorial.
All names changed to protect identity.