In the ironically titled “23½ Ways to Make A Girl Fall for You”, TV anchor Cyrus Broacha takes aim at the dating skills of the Indian male, who he says, “has no game”. Taking on the role of agony aunt, Broacha gives his readers a list of basic dos and don’ts for dating and relationships, with the don’ts occupying the predominant place. In this excerpt, Broacha takes on the question of consent and the fine line between wooing and being a creep in his own inimitable style.
*****
By Cyrys Broacha
Dear Cyrus,
I love a girl from my college. We know each other for ten years. She never had the same feelings for me. I tried expressing my feelings for her on several occasions, but she made fun of it and ignored. Last year, she started texting and chatting with me. I thought of proposing to her for marriage and I did. She got a hang of my intentions and then started ignoring me. But I did not give up. I have been trying to be friendly with her. I am waiting for her to make up her mind and accept my proposal. But four months ago, she blocked all communication channels between us. I don’t know what is going on in her life. How do I communicate with her?
Ace
ACE,
I’ll tell you exactly what Jimmy Bharucha, ‘ACE’ dog trainer, told my Beagle Figaro, when Figaro tried to steal food off the table. ‘NO!!’ The word is ‘no’, and it means basically a negative result as in you can’t, won’t, shan’t, mustn’t. She made fun of you, rejected you, and now cut off all communication with you. If one pigeon had done the same to another pigeon, the rejected pigeon is not known for its brains and intellect. If it can understand… we Indian men have to understand the meaning of ‘NO!!’ If you’re having trouble still, I can recommend a suitable dog trainer.
Yours sincerely,
a Cyrus
*****
Dear Sir Cyrus,
I have a very interesting question for you. I would like to know what the prerequisites for attracting a mate are. I am five foot five years old and weigh sixty-two kilos. I have a steady job at an insurance firm, but I lack the confidence and experience in the area of attracting members of the opposite sex. Could you guide me with a few contrite steps in the right direction in simple English please? I have asked this question to many agony aunt columns but am yet to get a satisfactory reply. So please look at this letter as a personal challenge to yourself. You come highly recommended, so while I don’t want to put unnecessary pressure on you, I do need to clarify that I’m expecting something special, thanks to your outstanding work in the field. Now I turn the mic over to you.
Yours gratefully,
Soorjit Sarkar
P.S.: Let me also inform you that I’m fifty-four years of age, and have never had a girlfriend.
Soorjit,
From your self-evaluation I can see that you should have been a long distance runner. Which, by the way, is a profession that attracts many members of the opposite sex in droves. First, thanks for understanding the pressure we writers go through daily. An agony aunt has a huge responsibility. You can’t just drop a shawl over your shoulders, powder your hair, and then turn up. You need to help impressionable minds through a whole gamut of life changing decisions—from waxing their legs, to downloading naked pictures of oneself. So your empathy is very well-received by my minor, but proud community of men, who double up as helpful aunts. However, after being so sensitive, you then exert overbearing pressure on me by saying you are expecting something extra special from me! This is causing me to sweat and break out in hives. So please un-send that last request as soon as possible.
Now, coming to your question, which is how to attract members of the opposite sex? My boy, simply put there are many routes you could take. For instance, you could become a famous film star or sportsperson. Apparently girls will then flock to you. You could also simply attract attention by wearing outlandish clothes like a beekeeper’s outfit, or an astronaut’s spacesuit from the 1980s. This also is a hit with the ladies, ask any beekeeper or astronaut friend of yours. Lastly—and this is only in the event that the first two routes have failed you, after exhausting them completely—you can try an old-fashioned, largely untested option of promoting yourself in an un-zealous like fashion, whereby your best qualities are highlighted in a charming and non-overtly manner. In other words, the opposite of a matrimonial ad that gives height, weight, complexion and profession as the greatest qualities of the candidate.
You need to perhaps spread yourself around. Avail of opportunity. But there’s a fine line between availing and being a creep. So avail carefully. For instance, you meet a colleague in a lift which is crowded, please don’t avail. That would freak her out. You can’t ask her out on a date in this claustrophobic, public environment. Also, gauge when you can steer a conversation towards socializing. Discuss a movie that you’ve seen, if she’s enthusiastic you may get an opportunity to ask her out for another movie. Again, don’t do this in a crowded elevator, or a ladies toilet, or a colleague’s funeral.
Soorjit, your height and weight are inconsequential, unless you want to become a jockey. You need to find the ‘YOU’. The ‘YOU’, you like, i.e., the ‘YOU’ you like that’s you. Then avail away.
Yours faithfully,
Sir Cyrus
Excerpted with permission from “23 ½ ways to make a girl fall for you” by Cyrus Broacha and published by Rupa Publications
You can buy the book here