From the time I was a child, my parents always told me that I should become No.1 in something. Studies, sports, whatever. But I've never been able to fulfill their dreams. But that's when I joined WhatsApp University and developed a real ambition. I decided to become the No.1 fan of a male star. I'm not qualified to even utter his name, so I will just call him Demi God.
I grew up watching Demi God's movies like all other boys and girls of my generation. His movies were very simple and entertaining. And though a lot of people would trouble him, he would always win. I learnt my first lessons about love from Demi God. Like everyone else in the country, I went to a school where boys and girls can't even sit together, so Demi God was my guru. He was the one who taught me that I should never, ever give up - whether it is girls' matter or fighting against evil.
His sense of style just blows my mind. That haircut, the way he puts his sunglasses on after delivering a punch dialogue! PPAAHHH! No chance. Though he's so stylish, he always speaks like he is one of us. I've recorded all his stage speeches and he's so humble and simple. I feel he's my elder brother. But god-like.
Every day, I wake up looking at his poster on my wall. My mind becomes relaxed just seeing his face. I hate everyone who doesn't have the same opinion about Demi God. I don't know how they cannot see his awesomeness. Such people are really the scum of the earth. I love Demi God so much that my social media profile photos are all his photos. Even my last name on social media is his name. My family thinks I'm crazy.
I'm part of a special WhatsApp group which has more than a thousand Demi God fans. It is our first identity and we always share positive things about Demi God first thing in the morning. For his birthday, we donate blood and provide meals in orphanages. Once, when Demi God got injured in a shoot, I tonsured my head and didn't eat the whole day. I was so upset. My mother said she'd never seen me looking so sad, not even when my favourite grandma died.
It's true. I love him more than I love my family or friends. I will destroy anyone who opposes him. Especially fans of Semi God, his rival in the industry. I hate those guys. They're always trying to create fake hate campaigns against Demi God. Whenever that happens, we Demi God army give them a fitting reply. We're very organised and we pass on which abuse words we should use against them in all our WhatsApp groups. People say using abusive language is wrong, but if someone abuses your God, won't you become angry? It's the same for us fans.
There are some fans who think we shouldn't behave like this. They want to be 'decent'. They just watch Demi God's movies and enjoy. But they won't stand up for him when someone insults him. They will act like it's none of their business. They will say some rubbish about freedom of expression. There's a limit for everything, including freedom of expression. Don't call yourself a real fan if you can't go to any extreme for him.
One time, there was this loser who made jokes about our Demi God. We didn't leave him. We abused him, his family, his friends. We found out his phone number and kept calling him till he was forced to change his number. He apologised but we didn't leave him after that also. Our Demi God didn't say a word. He's a very dignified man and he knows the value of fans. We're ready to die and kill for him.
I wake up at 3 am to catch the FDFS of his films. My father says if I'd been so sincere in my work, I would have reached great heights by now. But what does he know? Seeing Demi God's face on screen is the same as getting darshan in a temple. He does so much hard work for his films, so even if the movie is not great (because of the director's fault), we have to appreciate him for the hard work. How strictly he has followed diet and done exercise! And even after so much success, he is always so down-to-earth. I heard he gave everyone in the film crew a gold ring with his mother's photo after the shooting. I've never seen anyone more generous.
My life may not be great now, but who says I'm going to be like this forever? I'm sure I will meet Demi God one day and he will help me. I've tried meeting him 3-4 times in shoots and even outside his house but I've not been successful so far. Never mind. Gods are busy and cannot meet their devotees always. But I'm sure one day he will give me darshan and my life will change after that. By then, I will become No.1 in this field and qualify from WhatsApp University with distinction. How can he ignore me then? After all, he's the one who taught me to never, ever give up.
Disclaimer: Taking satirical pieces seriously is injurious to health and can cause unnecessary outrage.