As someone who woke up to 2017 without any New Year resolutions whatsoever, I was deeply ashamed when I saw Tuesday's Bangalore Times.
I had let the whole of 2016 slip past me without making any attempt to become a desirable woman and I felt like I had let down humanity. The more I stared at the List of 25 Most Desirable Women of 2016 painstakingly put together by the newspaper with helpful information like "relationship status", the more I felt like tearing my unshampooed hair out.
I'd wasted 2016 by not developing a "cherub-like persona" like Kriti Kharbanda. Though I'm inclined to be rotund, my persona, I'm afraid, is all angular and pokey.
I studied my face in the mirror to see if I'd qualify for "international looks" like Roshmitha Harimurthy. I can see a vague resemblance to George from Seinfeld from certain angles but that could just be a play of light. Would that be international enough?
Nidhi Subbaiah made it to the list for "chiselled face with hot, curvy Latina looks". I only need a hammer to chisel my face but where would I go for 'Latina' looks? Must ask Donald Trump.
Neha Shetty's desirability quotient was her "the innocent girl-meets-temptress combination". Hmm. That's a tough one. So an under-aged underwear model is what we're looking for? At 31, I'm..erm...too mature for the job.
Harshika Poonacha made it for "her pouty lips and slender hips". Having lived on a diet of Uncle Chips for way too many years, I sadly have to say I cannot qualify in this category. I ran through this list desperately, trying to find someone, anyone I could aspire to become by the end of 2017. Asha Bhat with her "global face with ample sex appeal" or Sruthi Hariharan who is a "vintage Indian beauty, with a mind of her own"? How about Shraddha Srinath who has "South Indian looks with a sexy body"?
The more I looked at the list, the more pleased I became by how thoughtful and inclusive the whole thing was. You could be a global face, a Latina face, or a South Indian face but you had every chance to become a desirable woman. YESSSSSS!!! In your face, feminists, who keep whining about inclusiveness!
And it's not even limited to the face, let me break the good news to you: Aafreen Rachael Vaz has made it for "A sexy back that screams oomph galore"! When I read that, I immediately stopped googling for plastic surgeons who could fix my face. All I needed to do was to work on my back and I still had a chance.
I've only lost a few weeks of 2017. I still have the year ahead of me and I'm going to spend it trying to develop a spunky attitude, seductive smile, and Chinese features. Maybe next year, they'll consider "sexy palms" also. I don't know about the rest of me but my palms are spectacular, I swear.
Since the makers of this list have no problems with women with minds of their own (how formidable that sounds! I'm so excited already), I shall consume Patanjali brain tonic. Just you wait, ladies, the Hotties list in January 2018 is going to have a new entrant blazing all the way to the top. May your cherub-like personas help you deal with the pain.
Note: Views expressed are the personal opinions of the author.