Inspired by ‘Bangalore Times’, I’m going to become one of the most desirable women of 2017

I've only lost a few weeks of 2017. I still have the year ahead of me and I'm going to spend it trying to develop a spunky attitude, seductive smile, and Chinese features.
Inspired by ‘Bangalore Times’, I’m going to become one of the most desirable women of 2017
Inspired by ‘Bangalore Times’, I’m going to become one of the most desirable women of 2017
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As someone who woke up to 2017 without any New Year resolutions whatsoever, I was deeply ashamed when I saw Tuesday's Bangalore Times.

I had let the whole of 2016 slip past me without making any attempt to become a desirable woman and I felt like I had let down humanity. The more I stared at the List of 25 Most Desirable Women of 2016 painstakingly put together by the newspaper with helpful information like "relationship status", the more I felt like tearing my unshampooed hair out.

I'd wasted 2016 by not developing a "cherub-like persona" like Kriti Kharbanda. Though I'm inclined to be rotund, my persona, I'm afraid, is all angular and pokey.

I studied my face in the mirror to see if I'd qualify for "international looks" like Roshmitha Harimurthy. I can see a vague resemblance to George from Seinfeld from certain angles but that could just be a play of light. Would that be international enough?

Nidhi Subbaiah made it to the list for "chiselled face with hot, curvy Latina looks". I only need a hammer to chisel my face but where would I go for 'Latina' looks? Must ask Donald Trump.

Neha Shetty's desirability quotient was her "the innocent girl-meets-temptress combination". Hmm. That's a tough one. So an under-aged underwear model is what we're looking for? At 31, I'm..erm...too mature for the job.

Harshika Poonacha made it for "her pouty lips and slender hips". Having lived on a diet of Uncle Chips for way too many years, I sadly have to say I cannot qualify in this category. I ran through this list desperately, trying to find someone, anyone I could aspire to become by the end of 2017. Asha Bhat with her "global face with ample sex appeal" or Sruthi Hariharan who is a "vintage Indian beauty, with a mind of her own"? How about Shraddha Srinath who has "South Indian looks with a sexy body"?

The more I looked at the list, the more pleased I became by how thoughtful and inclusive the whole thing was. You could be a global face, a Latina face, or a South Indian face but you had every chance to become a desirable woman. YESSSSSS!!! In your face, feminists, who keep whining about inclusiveness!

And it's not even limited to the face, let me break the good news to you: Aafreen Rachael Vaz has made it for "A sexy back that screams oomph galore"! When I read that, I immediately stopped googling for plastic surgeons who could fix my face. All I needed to do was to work on my back and I still had a chance.

I've only lost a few weeks of 2017. I still have the year ahead of me and I'm going to spend it trying to develop a spunky attitude, seductive smile, and Chinese features. Maybe next year, they'll consider "sexy palms" also. I don't know about the rest of me but my palms are spectacular, I swear.  

Since the makers of this list have no problems with women with minds of their own (how formidable that sounds! I'm so excited already), I shall consume Patanjali brain tonic. Just you wait, ladies, the Hotties list in January 2018 is going to have a new entrant blazing all the way to the top. May your cherub-like personas help you deal with the pain.

Note: Views expressed are the personal opinions of the author. 

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