You know Dudebro, of course. No? Let me introduce him.
The first thing you should know is that he’s cool. Notice the casual elegance of his clothes, the polite smile, the way he offers you his seat and nods along with you when you call out all those dirty men for being misogynists. He will stick up for women because he respects them. And he will never let another man say anything wrong about women…
Except when it’s his bro, in which case, of course bro’s joking! He wouldn’t harm a fly! Chill woman, not everything is about sexism.
Dudebro is always updating his status about woman empowerment and safety. He believes men should not stay silent while women are being harassed, and they should always offer to help.
He’s so helpful that, once, when his bro sent a message to a colleague asking “How often do you masturbate?”, he said it was valid research and offered to find out the answer for him.
In case you feel uncomfortable with Dudebro brushing away his bro’s ways, you should ignore it. Because Dudebro is a nice guy. In fact, he’s the nicest guy around.
How do I know? Because he’s always told me what a nice guy he is. He’s made me see, plainly, how all those ‘other women’ always overlooked him for the wrong sort. The price of being the nice guy, he says, is that you never get what you deserve.
Dudebro deserves those other women, the pretty ones, the ones who always pick the wrong guys. He deserves to be loved by them, he deserves to have sex with them.
Just in case you didn’t know, Dudebro also deserves several awards. He deserves an award for believing that women are people, and another for never questioning women for their choices. Unless those choices are stupid of course, like picking another man over him, or ditching his bro for some random dude.
He also deserves an award for always, always doing woman empowerment.
Once, Dudebro unequivocally denounced a man for touching me inappropriately. While the man was not in the room at the time of Dudebro’s speech, that hardly matters, because Dudebro has his heart in the right place.
In fact, his heart is with my friend, and he declared one day, while he was chilling with her and some beer, that he wanted to make out with her. Friend said no, and Dudebro, ever the gentleman, did not push her. All he said was, “Then why are you here? Get out of my house.”
Because why else will friend be at his house. Dudebro was right, he’s always right.
Dudebro is a feminist. He believes that all women should have a right to wear what they want to, and sleep with who they want to. He understands that neither marriage nor a relationship is a prerequisite for sex.
What is a prerequisite is the paying of a dinner bill. Dudebro has never demanded sex from a person when he hasn’t paid for her dinner, or coffee.
But Dudebro believes in fairness, and when he doesn’t get sex in return for dinner or coffee, he questions the intentions of the woman. It’s wrong to lead anyone on, especially Dudebro, because Dudebro is a feminist and you must respect that.
Also, Dudebro is a big fan of Pink. He’s watched it two times, and he’s made every cousin of his watch the movie as well. He has completely understood the concept of consent, and always practices it.
He’s going through a bitter divorce though, because his wife is a complete nutcase. Dudebro had sex with her a bunch of times, and just because she didn’t want to do it or something, she questioned him. He slapped her to put her in her place of course, and now she’s gone and filed a complaint against him, she’s quite a horrible person.
But don’t worry, she’ll be gone soon, and Dudebro will be available to the world once again. You better date him, because Dudebro really doesn’t like being in the friendzone!
(Views expressed are the personal opinions of the author.)