Naomi Datta gets you an inside report on the workings of a shadowy all women’s operative, ‘The Fawadists’

The Fawadists Secret All Women Underground Movement springs up in India
Features Get The Pun Thursday, October 22, 2015 - 18:46


The Shiv Sena’s recent declaration that it would stop Pakistani actor, Fawad Khan from entering the soil of Maharashtra has had its impact. It is reliably learnt that almost overnight a secret sect of Fawad loyalists has sprung up.  Tentatively called, ‘The Fawadists’, this commune has primarily female members – a few men might be recruited at a later date to accommodate the organizational goal of diversity. The female recruits meanwhile have had to go through an exacting entrance test – sing the theme songs of Humsafar and Zindagi Gulzar Hain. Anyone who likes Khoobsurat is immediately disqualified. The objective of this movement is singular – get Fawad off the radar of the Shiv Sena. To do this, the organisation did consider training its members in counter ink throwing strikes – but realized that, that solution, while peaceful, democratic and non-violent will not suit its purpose. What they have is a larger strategy which we now have wind of from our sources deep in the organisations – the group cannot be connected officially.

After speaking to a variety of anonymous highly placed sources, we however, managed to piece together a startling, ingenious plan. This is what one of our primary sources told us, ‘Our strategy is not to overturn the ban. Our plan is to convince the Shiv Sena that Fawad is irrelevant and not worth banning’. To do this, ‘The Fawadists’ are conducting short-term Fawad detox courses where women are weaned off the actor by repeat screenings of Jacky Bhagnani  in ‘Welcome to Karachi’. This results in women being put off all men in general. This will prepare them to hold up under intense interrogation and blank out Fawad. Our source said grimly, ‘It is tough & tortuous – but so is our objective. This isn’t for the faint-hearted’

The other part of this far-reaching strategy is to use social media. Sleeper cells of ‘The Fawadists’, will unleash the hashtag #YoRameezRajaSoHot on twitter, thereby successfully deflecting the attention of the Sena. This will also save the world of cricket commentary, but don’t get distracted by that– one mission at a time, please.  In another radical move, Facebook will have an implosion of public posts, where women will cancel their love for Fawad, denounce him for being ‘proudy’ and declare that, ‘ Ali Zafar is my new love’.  Another diversionary move guaranteed to convince political parties that they are wasting their breath and good quality ink on Fawad.  Our source adds, ‘Nothing personal. Ali is a nice bloke – but he has to pay for Kill Dil. And every mission has collateral damage’


Fawad with Mahira Khan in a commercial

Our source also told us candidly, ‘Our think tank  did consider commissioning some long form pieces on how art, culture and raging hormones transcend borders – but nobody reads those anyway. This deflation and denial of the Fawad persona will work much better. If nobody cares about him, why will the Sena?’ Once the organisation has its seed funding in place, it will also commission a 4 city opinion poll on the five most popular Pakistanis in India. It is reliably learnt that indoctrinated members will infiltrate focus groups and make sure that there is no mention of Fawad Khan in any of the discussions. Pakistani pop phenomenon Taher Shah (of Eye to Eye fame) will top this list. Our source cackles, ‘Once the Shiv Sena discovers Taher Shah, they are bound to forget all about Fawad. Anyone would. It may even convince them that an eye for an eye can only make the world blind. Or turn you into Taher Shah’

(This was a satirical piece)

(Naomi Datta tweets at @nowme_datta and discovered Fawad Khan. He however doesn’t know that)

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